Couples counselor, sex therapist offers relationship advice for Valentine’s Day

Special occasions like Valentine's Day or an anniversary can put a lot of pressure on a couple. 

“When you put pressure on something, that’s usually the opposite of arousal, said Sonya Jensen, a Georgetown couples counselor and sex therapist.  “As you start to think about love and passion and the celebration of your relationship, you start to also notice [things] about the relationship that aren’t functioning,” 

Ms. Jensen — whose practice is in South Georgetown at 601 Quail Valley Drive, Suite 110 —  specializes in working with high-conflict couples with communication issues. Sex therapy is a form of talk-therapy, and, in her experience, communication problems and intimacy issues frequently overlap.

“Sex is a form of communication, so if you suck at communicating about anything else, you’re going to have issues with your physical intimacy,” she said. 

Couples who come in often struggle with a desire discrepancy —  when partners have different sex drives and expectations — painful intercourse or anorgasmia, when pleasure isn’t achieved by a partner despite arousal.

Ms. Jensen shared some tips and insights, but emphasized the importance for couples in conflict to get their dynamic assessed by a professional. She warned against taking generic advice and directly applying it to a situation.

Common complaints

Before trying to get to the psychological root of intimacy issues, Ms. Jensen first rules out other health disorders. She often recommends clients have a physical exam with their primary care physician, consult a pelvic floor specialist or do bloodwork with a hormone specialist.

Ms. Jensen said the most common issue women experience is pain or a burning sensation during sex. This, she said, can be caused by a lack of foreplay or because they aren’t connected to their own pleasure. 

“In heterosexual relationships, most often, women feel like they are carrying the emotional, mental load of the house,” she explained. “They’re never fully ‘off’ and their home isn't their place of rest. They don't really feel like they get to prioritize any kind of pleasure.”

In these situations, “pleasure, especially sex, doesn't feel like pleasure.” Instead, it can feel performative or an obligation because their partner wants it, which leads to avoidance. 

“I try to encourage women to move into their own pleasure for the sake of it,” she said. “One of the main reasons that there is pain, especially for women, in intercourse is because they are not adequately turned on. I think the research is that 80 percent of women orgasm after 15 minutes of active stimulation.”

For men, the most common issue she hears about is difficulty maintaining or attaining arousal. 

“A lot of that is rooted in anxiety,” she said. “You can trace that through their background history, either with trauma or issues in the relationship around conflict and unresolved issues — things they've heard their partner say in the past, and arguments about their ability to perform.”

The importance of being affectionate 

When couples are struggling with sexual intimacy, Ms. Jensen may recommend temporarily taking sex off the table.

“Kiss without it having to move to sex. Hold each other, snuggle— just to enjoy each other's company,” she said. “What most often happens is women will close themselves off to physical touch in any way, because they feel like their partner will just want it to lead to sex.”

Removing the expectation of sex, she said, can help reduce anxiety and feelings of obligation, creating space for playfulness and connection and a couple.

“We love each other, we touch each other, we know each other, we play together. We experience pleasure for the sake of pleasure, and when we come together, there's no expectation of it being a certain way other than to connect and play.”

Ms. Jensen noted that sexual rejection can be difficult for men to accept. This can further strain intimacy.

“The research actually indicates that the better a man responds to a woman saying, ‘not tonight’— the more sex he has,” she said.

Advice for couples in caretaking roles

Maintaining physical intimacy can be especially challenging when one partner is in a caretaker role, Ms. Jensen said. Caretakers may struggle to step out of responsibility mode, which can cause sex to feel like another task. Sex may even feel like an act of caretaking and not pleasure if they are only doing it to meet the other partner’s needs, she said. 

“There has to be some level of individuality and interdependence in these couples,” she said.

The romantic dynamic changes, she said, and a partner might only be seen as a caregiver or a dependant, versus an avenue for fun or pleasure. 

“It's [about] navigating the roles that you play in each other's life and creating space for having different roles,” she said. 

She advises couples to delegate caretaking responsibilities when possible. This could include reaching out to other family members for help, finding a home nurse that accepts insurance or taking some chores off the table by hiring a cleaning service to help around the home. 

Ms. Jensen also emphasized the importance of time apart to rebuild desire and a sense of mystery. This might include pursuing a new hobby or going on a solo adventure. 

She referenced the work of Psychotherapist Esther Perel. 

“We have to have a little bit of mystery in the relationship to desire someone,” Ms. Jensen said. “If you’re doing everything for them and with them, you don't desire what you already have.”

The Magic Five Hours

Ms. Jensen is certified to follow the work of clinical psychologist and professor John Gottman, who studied 3,000 couples over the course of 40 years to develop methods to manage conflict and restore intimacy. 

Gottman’s research suggests the key to building and maintaining emotional intimacy in a relationship is “The Magic Five Hours.” Ms. Jensen explained these five hours are broken up over the course of a week and help couples stay emotionally attuned to one another. 

Each day, couples should spend a total of 20 minutes trying to get into each other's inner worlds — switching off between the speaking role and listening role. This may include simple questions like, “Did anything exciting happen today?” This practice creates a sacred time each day, free from conflict, to witness one another. 

Once a week, couples should have a two-hour date and bond over an experience. This could be going out to dinner or doing a puzzle together at home. 

“Try to find a way to connect outside of just watching TV or just doing the same rote things that you always do,” she said. 

Couples should also hold a weekly one-hour “State of the Union” meeting to discuss how each partner is feeling in the relationship and to plan for the week ahead. Ms. Jensen said the meeting should always end with the question: “What can I do to make you feel loved?” 

A fun exercise to try

Ms. Jensen has found that many couples don’t know how to talk about sex with each other. 

During therapy, she does an exercise where she hands out a list of intimate activities with “YES, NO, MAYBE” check boxes. Each person completes the list privately before comparing answers, allowing couples to explore boundaries and desires in a structured, low-pressure way.